The Power of Female Gatekeepers: Why Do Some Women Support the Patriarchy?

When I watched the incredible series, The Handmaid’s Tale, there was one character that I despised on a visceral level.

Not Fred Waterford or any of the other commanders who viewed women as property to be used, brutalised and discarded at will.

Not Nick, who professed his undying love for June before betraying her to save his career.

Not even Serena, who, though abhorrent in the early seasons, at least showed some remorse and tried to make amends towards the end.

It was Aunt Lydia.

Aunt Lydia not only believed in the warped narrative that women’s bodies can be reduced to vessels to carry children, she took pleasure in the degradation, rape, shaming and torture of the women in her care.

Maybe my loathing for Aunt Lydia is an unfair double standard. After all, she was no worse than the men, and in some rare moments, showed a sliver of empathy that many of them did not.

But, as an unapologetic “girl’s girl” and a fully signed-up member of the sisterhood, I have a really hard time understanding (or forgiving) women who don’t support other women.

If I’m being completely honest, I’m not surprised by this kind of behaviour from men. I have personally experienced male brutality and abuse, and witnessed many men’s ability to downplay, gaslight, deflect and discredit any attempts to call out the patriarchy and the harmful ideas it promotes. There is also a kind of logic to it. The patriarchy, after all,  is a system created by men for the benefit of men, so it makes sense that they would support it.

But there are women, quite a lot of women, who support or even facilitate the patriarchy and its misogynistic ideas. Women who judge, ridicule, shame and condemn other women for not conforming to the rules of a world in which they are oppressed.

It is perhaps the patriarchy’s greatest “accomplishment” that in many cases, they don’t even have to enforce their “rules” to keep women in check. Women are policing themselves.

I’m not referring only to the Aunt Lydias of this world, but to every woman who has ever made a snide remark about another woman’s outfit, commented on her lifestyle choices, or judged her sex life.

It’s the women who proudly state they are not feminists. That claim to be “different,” while still seeking validation from the male gaze. It’s the Pick-Me Girls and Tradwives and Red Pill Women.

While I support every woman’s right to make her own life choices, I have no time for women who, deliberately or not, are instrumental or even complicit in slowly dismantling the freedoms we have fought for.

So, why do some women buy into and support a world where they are second-class citizens?

Social conditioning and internalised misogyny

The roots of patriarchy run deep. From birth, we are drip-fed a narrative that tells women and girls how they are supposed to behave, with subtle “rewards” to reinforce this behaviour and not so subtle “punishments” for those who don’t comply. This covert conditioning leads to a kind of internalised misogyny so deep it often goes unquestioned and therefore unchallenged.

This blind acceptance of the status quo often leads to women excusing or even desiring men who display “masculine behaviours” such as oppression, dominance, abuse or violence. To paraphrase David Foster Wallace, trying to explain the patriarchy to such women is like trying to explain water to a fish.

On the flip side, as much as society celebrates “female virtues” like patience, kindness, loyalty, sexual purity, being forgiving and sacrificing her needs for others, women who speak out against men are often branded as “radical,” “militant, ”bitter,” or ”man-haters.”

Misplaced solidarity

Lack of awareness isn’t the only reason some women support a system that oppresses them. Many women are educated and aware but choose to align themselves with men to gain power, approval or privilege.

Such women may have been taught to equate their self-worth with male validation. By playing by the rules, they enjoy the “perks” of a patriarchal society, such as being taken care of financially, and a childlike freedom from many of the responsibilities and decisions of adulthood.  Or they may simply (and somewhat selfishly) feel the patriarchy doesn’t affect them.

They may see feminists as the enemy and blame other women for being abused, sexually assaulted or killed, saying things like “she knew what she was getting into,” “she had it coming,” or “what did she expect wearing an outfit like that/ having sex before marriage/drinking in a nightclub,” etc.

Many of these women are white, right-wing, wealthy and live a life of privilege. They have never had to walk home alone at night because they can’t afford a taxi, fight for promotion over a less qualified man, or work two jobs to raise a child alone.

Safety

In many cases, particularly in more overtly patriarchal cultures, the silence of women is often about survival.

My Turkish mother-in-law, when witnessing my husband’s rages, would press her finger to her lips and shoot me a conspirational look as she silently told me not to retaliate.

In many cultures, women pass down survival tactics rather than empowerment. Not because they want to, but to keep their daughters and granddaughters safe in a man’s world.

Myths and a lack of understanding about feminism

Many women who deny being feminists have a poor understanding of what feminism actually is.

Common misconceptions about feminism include “feminists are man-haters.” “Feminists believe women are superior to men.” “Feminism exploits and deceives men,” and “feminism only benefits women.”

In reality, true feminism believes in the equality of all sexes, hates the patriarchy, not men and aims to dismantle the systems that oppress and harm us all.

Feminism is no longer needed

For some women, the fact that we have more freedom than our grandmothers means that the battle has already been won. While we have undoubtedly made progress, there are still numerous examples of inequality between the sexes, including the gender pay gap, inequality in healthcare, underrepresentation of women in key areas, and gender-based violence. 

Final thoughts

The reasons some women act as gatekeepers to the patriarchy are varied and complex and may be rooted in unawareness, lack of education, selfishness, fear and/or denial. But in a world where women’s rights are being steadily eroded, male violence against women is increasing, and misinformation and extremism are easier to find than the truth, understanding is more important than ever.

It is naïve to think the divisions between women are accidental. “Divide and conquer” is one of the oldest tricks in the book when trying to control a population, and women have been pitted against each other for centuries in a way that men have not.

That alone is a reason for us to stand together.

As individuals, we each have our own dreams, goals, fears and values. But we also have a shared history of oppression, and we have all grown up in a patriarchal world (whether we choose to see it or not).

Feminism, fundamentally, is about the freedom to choose. To choose the life you want and be able to pursue it without fear of ridicule, shame, harassment or violence, and without social, cultural, educational or economic barriers.

And that, surely, is something every woman should believe in.