Why Are So Many Women Choosing to Be Single?

I recently read a Facebook post written by a single woman who has given up on dating. Not because she hates men, or is bitter, or doesn’t want love, but because she is tired.

Like many women, she lives a full life. A career, friends, hobbies, financial independence and an active social life. In the post, she explains that until she meets a man who brings something to her life, offers more than the bare minimum, who, at the very least, makes her life a little bit better than it already is, she isn’t willing to invest any more time and energy in having a relationship. And judging by the thousands of comments from other women, she is not alone.

More than ever before, women are choosing to be single. Not because we are tragic, or bitter, or old maids, or spinsters, or on the shelf, or crazy cat ladies, or any of the other derogatory terms for single women, but because for many women, being single is an infinitely more attractive prospect than being in yet another unfulfilling relationship.

This shift in female consciousness has been a long time coming. In the 70s, 80s and 90s, women were told we could “have it all,” meaning we could get married, have children and have successful careers, without sacrificing one for the other.

Fast-forward 50 years, and we’re waking up to the fact that, more often than not, “having it all” means “doing it all.”

Despite working the same hours as men, the lion’s share of domestic chores, childcare, and the day-to-day lubrication that allows life to run smoothly still largely falls to women. Far from shouldering their share of the burden, many men have perfected the art of “learned helplessness," becoming yet another thing to take care of. In short, they want a relationship, just as long as it doesn’t ask anything of them.

Women are expected to effortlessly work full-time, raise kids, run a home, and do most of the emotional work in the relationship, all while smiling, being pleasant and looking perfect. We are not allowed to say “no”, complain, get angry, gain weight, get depressed, or drop the ball in any way. If we do, we are judged harshly, made to feel like we have “failed,” and labelled “crazy,” “selfish,” “emotional,” “bad mothers,” or (my personal favourite), “difficult”.

Meanwhile, men are applauded for “babysitting” their own children, attending a parent’s evening, remembering to buy toilet paper (without being asked), or other spectacularly mediocre things.

The roots of these double standards run deep. In our patriarchal world, men grow up with an innate sense of entitlement that doesn’t exist for women. Society tells them that they are inherently deserving of certain things, including relationships, without having to work for them. Women, on the other hand, are conditioned from a young age to believe that love is something they must earn — by being pretty, good, nice, helpful, kind and compliant, and by putting the needs of others before their own.

As women fall into a destructive cycle of over-functioning, perfectionism, frustration and burnout, many men hold their hands up in despair.

“But, I didn’t do anything!” they cry (completely oblivious to the fact that this is the literal point.)

To add insult to injury, most men are conditioned to see being emotionally vulnerable, communicating openly, and reflecting on their relationship as weakness, leaving the brunt of the emotional maintenance of the relationship to women.

Little wonder, then, that currently 70% of women over the age of 40 are not interested in having a relationship.

Like the woman in the Facebook post, the majority of women are not bitter, or angry or man-haters.

We are tired. We are exhausted. And we are choosing freedom. Choosing peace. Choosing ourselves.

We are tired of giving everything while our own needs are not being met.

We are tired of explaining ourselves to men who refuse to put their egos aside and listen.

We are tired of carrying the entire relationship on our shoulders.

We are tired of dimming our light, making ourselves smaller and losing who we are in relationships.

The inevitable backlash to this shift has seen an alarming rise in male violence, incel culture and blatant misogyny. With their fragile egos burnt, and often lacking the skills to look inwards, to reflect, to feel and to verbalise uncomfortable emotions, men are projecting outwards and turning to “role models” like Andrew Tate to shift the blame onto women, restore their sense of superiority and tell them they are right. That they are the victims and that women are the enemy to be dehumanised, despised, controlled and objectified.

So, where do we go from here?

With every historical injustice, there are always people who think for themselves, stand up for what is right, and choose not to follow the crowd,  often at huge risk to themselves. Examples include

Oscar Schindler, Miep Gies, Helen Joseph, and David Challen.

Right now, women need such allies. We need men to step up, to speak up and to show up. To educate and provide positive male role models for men and boys. To challenge and call out other men when witnessing violence, disrespect or misogyny. To demonstrate true masculine qualities like leadership, dependability, protection, and strength.

Like everyone, women just want to feel seen and heard. To feel safe. Valued. Respected.

To the men reading this post (if you’ve made it this far), I will only say this. In our increasingly polarised echo chambers, it’s easy to let others tell us what to think and feel. To block, cancel, and delete. To troll, harass, and abuse. What takes courage is to have a conversation. To listen. To ask questions. To learn. To be curious.

One thing is for certain: we can’t go back. Women aren’t bitter. We’re waking up. And we’re no longer prepared to settle for the lives our mothers and grandmothers had.

And as our allies, partners and friends, you shouldn’t either.